A story of Sexsomnia

It was a dark, cozy rather cold night, where more than blanket his arms were comforting me. Though the temperature was about 18 degree Celsius, but my actions were directed by the heat of the moment. That moment made me feel so light, both physically and emotionally that I went into a different bubble of life. He tousled my hair a few times and then held me in his arms, cleared my face from the bangs, felt my lips gently with his index finger. He adjusted his position brought me towards him and then there was nothing except air in between us. We were as close as a pillow and a bed. Our proximity and the velocity of breaths got directly proportional. I could feel his breath racing with mine. I loved him, but never knew he loved me too. This feeling was a complete new feeling. It was my first time. I was enjoying it but did not have courage to face it. I wanted it but at the same time was too shy for it. A 20 year old will definitely have her anxiety issues about being physical. I was analyzing the events happening on an accrual basis. A busy mind, full of anxiety, my each body part wanted to speak up about the new things happening. There was so much of traffic in me that everything that was happening was like a Whatsapp call with poor net connection. The traffic was cleared when his lips touched mine. My eyes blushed so much that they automatically withdrew themselves. The inner me was silenced. We kissed for around five minutes.  I was so much comfortable with him that I slept off like a baby on his arms wrapping his big thumb with my fine little fingers.



I ran.

I ran to reach the point of acceptance.

My thoughts were grabbing my neck from inside, choking me with its questions of acceptance.

I ran! I ran from the strength of my thoughts.

And finally I reached where I wanted to end.

“The  start”.

The start is where we accept ourselves. Maybe the years that is adding on age, makes our reality adulterated, making our existence an awkward situation. And maybe that awkwardness makes us run the race of nowhere.

It is all about what we think, and there is always a start.

Let us start every day and find a new start at the end of the day..

Because life ends there, where life starts!

If you could see

We all our doing something. Something that urges us to do something else and that makes us do something and gradually it depends upon our first something that we end up with the right thing or the wrong thing. So what are we actually doing?

There is no one in this world who can actually tell where our something takes us.

We have to move, walk forward, pave our own ways and live our life.

In between all this if immaterial things start hampering your vision. Your ambitious brain starts tangling itself in its own veins. Your conscience start ignoring your soul. All you can see is a million paradoxes. What will you do?

Immaterial things are material in a long term perspective as it opens our third eye showing us a bigger and a wider range of materialistic fancies that might bring a traffic jam in the flow of our life.

It is better to experience such mess once in our life. When I was through it… I thought my “something” is the wrong doer. But let me tell you.. your “something ” is the best possible thing that can happen to you. As it is you who decide what might come next in your life. If the next scene of your life is bad, you were the one who decided it, you can correct it a million times and if it is good, then you know how to make it better and the best!

Love yourself and your decisions and surely your “right” something or your “wrong” something will lead you to a  new start where you will always get a second chance!

PS: If  you could see!

if emotions were a question!

I think about it, my eyes deny,

I want to know about it, my soul doesn’t even try!

If emotions were a question,

I would have asked WHY?

Emotions bring in soul to our bodies,

ohh yes!! that’s the reason we think, we smile, we frown, we cry!

but now the life has turned emotions to questions

for every feelings we ask why??

now the world has turned emotion less

all we have is people fakery dressed

it is because of the questions asked

why is our emotions being masked!

I ask myself

but I am biased

because I am not myself.

I  am left behind

behind the questions I ask about my emotions

my smile is a lie, my tears a lie

all I can express is a vague try

to know myself

I have been digging around

Questions is all what I found.

I wish I could pause this world,

no more emotions,

no more  questions.

All  I want is to put forward my unbiased expression,

to tell you that emotions are not meant to be questioned!

note from an ugly girl

What if my eyes were smaller? What if my nose was bigger than it is? What if my skin tone goes beyond dark? What if, I go bald?

Appearance matters. Our face and our body have importance. But the question is, how far does it take us? Will it stop us from achieving? Will it hamper our growth and refrain us from success.

How will it affect us?

Being  19 now, when I am as mature as I was immature when I was 9 , when I see things through an adult’s eyes, when I actually analyse things before believing them; I came up to a conclusion about the importance of appearance in one’s life.

I take my life as a journey that has turnings. I believe that every turning has something new to teach me. And yes its about the teachings of my last turning that has brightened my path so well that also in the coldest of times, I could see well even when the fog( the immaterial fancies) covers my eyes.

When you realize that there’s nothing called fairness creme or beauty creme, no slim belts can give you a perfect body and you won’t ever have that pretty face that television shows you, all you have is genes, whose bad combinations gave you your face and body that you will have to carry all your life.

After all this realizations what do you conclude? You will find your inner self running around to find acceptance from people.

Am I ugly? Am I not pretty? After perfect liner, lipstick and other coatings; will they accept me?

The question of acceptance is phrased by the question of appearance.

I look at the mirror, where my eyes could actually see the image of itself? The reflection was more active than  me. It asked me, “am I your appearance?”The real me, the alive me,  ME,  thought for a moment and answered “No!, you are just a reflection.”

My talk with my reflection took me to a deeper meaning, that actually gave a correct meaning to appearance.

Appearance is not about how our eyes, nose, lips or body looks . It is about how we as individuals look. An individual’s looks are defined by their value systems, morals and the amount of acceptance the individual gave to herself. No one will accept you, unless you accept yourself.

There is no universal  perfect meaning for ugly or pretty. Accept yourself. Believe that the what you have, is the best and the prettiest. Respect what you have because you have the perfect eyes, nose, lips hair, face. Your body is perfect. No one can drag you down.

Everyone is beautiful. We can bring a match between what we are and what we want to be, if it is about our looks, as what we have is perfection. Respect your body as it is unique. Everyone is perfect, as perfection is what we are. Now when we know we have a pretty face and a good body ,all we have to add in ourselves is beauty element to it. The beauty element will only come if we try to improve ourselves in terms of values and morals.

If  we with our perfect features come up with value systems,there will be no question of acceptance and appearance. Our appearance can be best only if we accept our appearance and then it won’t stop us from achieving anything.

**I have the perfect eyes, nose, lips , hair and body. **

P.S. Thank You 🙂

Stepping out of Oneself

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Why do we have a boundary?

A boundary that limits us to ourselves.

Why can’t we come out of the “ME” world?

Why can’t we see and believe the things which are visible to us ?

Why are we running, fighting, killing our own people just to justify and prove the invisible things whose existence is not even known to us?

These questions are getting on my nerves. My nerves are actually wrapping up my body, taking away my breath and my lovely sleep.

Like WHYYYY?????

Okayyyy!! ( The repetition of letters  is to basically show the intensity of my frustration. I literally have no idea about the content coming up. All I know is a million questions for which I need answers.)

When I relate things like that of world wars, ISIS, Paris attack and all such things, a white flash light covers up my head instantly and shows me a picture of OUR mother Earth.

It is so strange. We have so many things beyond us, so much of mysteries, so much of science, so much history. But we humans are stuck in  between ourselves, digging out our own identity in want of things which has no meaning and existence.

Everything is so damn big, the Earth, the universe, like we are nothing except an organized piece of flesh in front of it, still we carry so much of weight in our temporary mortal bodies called EGO, PRIDE and GREED.


We fight for it, we take lives for it, we challenge nature for it and end up with nothing.

Our face, our beauty, our ego is immaterial in the reality.

Why are we materializing these things??

Why can’t we just smile, live with brotherhood and humanity?

I am still wrapped up in my nerves, I am still confused, I am still clueless about the answers.

I started writing with questions and I’ll end up asking a question.

Maybe my 18 year old brain is way too inquisitive or maybe I am just too slow…









Facing myself

wonderous life, it seems

when you just dream

eyes closed

harsh realities aside

happiness all around…

my life, my imagination

my story,

I am the author,

I decide,

I write,

the story of my life.

but what if…

things go wrong

unlike the melody of a happy song

dark clouds everywhere

shooting its heavy drops

targeting the beautiful words of mine

fading its ink

redefining my life

what if things go wrong

against my dream.


I am the author of my life

my mind, my thoughts are stronger than those rain drops

those drops can fade away my words

but my will, will create new stories

as it is all about the story of my life.